Day 5 of the Nursing Strike

It's really hitting me today that Luke hasn't nursed in five days, and I'm very bothered by it. I have always taken great pride in the fact that Lindsay never had a drop of formula and I hoped it would be the same with Luke. I love breastfeeding and it was something I was good at...and since I'm no longer working and accomplishing great things in my career at this time, the things that I kick ass at in my mommy life are great sources of pride. But now that Luke is refusing to nurse and I can't coax him back, it's a total blow to my ego.

And it's not just all about me - this pumping thing is taking time away from my kiddos. I'm sitting here, tethered to this machine for 20 minutes every 2 or 3 hours to keep my supply up, and then I feed Luke the bottle I just pumped out (because I'm barely getting enough out to feed him at a time). It's almost 35 minutes between that and cleaning the parts. Poor Linds probably feels like she is being ignored, and that eats away at me, too!

I think the worst of it is how much I miss the little things...the feeling of his hand brushing my chest as he nursed, the look in his eyes he'd get as soon as he started sucking, the smile he'd give me mid-session that just spoke a, "thanks mom" in volumes.

I'm praying that this ends soon because part of me is ready to just give up, but I know I'll regret it the second I do...we aren't even half-way to our goal of 18 months. I'm going to go down to the basement and dig out more bottles (they are buried deep underneath the steps) in hopes that all that work jinxes it and he goes back to nursing?!? Wishful thinking!